Welcome to hell

Today, after meeting my boyfriend's family for the first time, I found out that he, his sister and their father enjoy talking loudly over the person who is currently talking, because what anyone else says is not worth listening to. FML

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Today, in order to look nice for a date, I tried the new blue mouthwash that turns plaque blue so you know where to brush. I couldn't get all the blue. FML

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Today, I video-chatted with my mom and showed her my new, very short haircut. My dad walked in, took one look at me and said, "I can only attribute this to penis envy," and walked out again. FML

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Today, my coworker and I were swamped with coffee orders. I told him I would "take care of the blacks", and a customer who only heard that sentence screamed at me for several minutes about racism. FML

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  Today, I was studying for one of my finals that I had later in the week but decided to take a break and play around with my boyfriend in bed for a couple hours. We decided to 69 for the first time, and everything was going great until out of nowhere, I loudly farted in his face. FML

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Today, after 4 months of no family contact while deployed in the military, I receive an email from my mother. Attached was a picture of a toilet full of green shit, with a message from my mom saying, "Seen neon poo before? Thought I would share!" FML

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  Today, I accidentally walked in on my sister shaving, naked. I don't know what's worse, the fact I've now seen her nude, or that she looks ten times better than any girl I've ever slept with. FML

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Good morning!

Today, while I brewed myself a cup of coffee, my best friend began screwing around with a can opener like it was nunchucks. He looked at me and said, "Wouldn't it suck if-" as he flung it around and one of the handles flew off, directly into my testicles. FML

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  Today, whilst working in a pharmacy, I was given the pleasure of listening to an old lady share the details of what she sticks up her vagina. FML

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Today, I overheard my boss and a co-worker talking about me. Apparently when I speak, I slur my words so badly that it sounds like I'm speaking in tongues. According to my boss, "he could be possessed by a demon right now, and we'd never even notice." FML

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Today, my 18 year old son asked me to check if there were any monsters under his bed. FML

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Today, I ate out, even though I was tired. When my main course arrived, I realised I had sent both my forks away with the starter plate. Rather than say anything, I ate dinner with two knives. FML

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Today, while using the bathroom on an airplane, someone walked in on me wiping my butt. That person just so happened to be the stranger I was sitting next to. It was an 8 hour flight. FML

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Today, I was riding a longboard down a hill and I fell off. I was all scraped up so I made sure to clean my wounds and put bandages on them. Turns out I'm allergic to the glue on the bandages and I have itchy hives all over and around my open wounds. FML

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Get it on, bang a gong

  Today, it’s been so long since I’ve had sex, even my wet dreams are about doing it solo. FML

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Today, my son's teacher asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He put down "unemployed". FML

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Today, I went to the bank to get a temporary debit card since I lost my wallet a week ago. On my drive across the street from the bank to the DMV a car slammed into mine at the intersection, nearly totaling my car. The movie theater I went to last week just called and said they'd found my wallet. FML

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Today, my workplace instituted a policy in which employees must stop and write down what they are doing every fifteen minutes. FML

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Today, on the bus, my blood sugar level got too low and I passed out. When I came to, the woman next to me was hitting me, saying she needed to get off and that she didn't have time for my "stupid fucking prank". FML

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Today, I woke up to a strange sound that sounded like a lot of water being poured into a sink. It was actually my father in law using the bathtub as a toilet. He's staying with us, and is showing no signs of leaving any time soon. He thinks this is acceptable behavior. FML

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Today, my one-year-old son threw up on the man sitting next to us on a plane. I felt bad and apologized profusely. When I tried to give him money for dry cleaning, he slapped me. FML

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Today, my grandma told everyone at our party to stay away from me, saying, "Ya might catch obesity from her and become fatass porkers too." I complained to my dad, at which point my gran faked being inebriated. My dad rolled his eyes and said, "She's DRUNK, honey. Chill out." FML

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Today, someone stole my phone at a concert. They decided it would be funny to text my mom saying I was pregnant. FML

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Today, while bagging my groceries at a store, a lady came over to me, took a good look at the food I'd bought, picked out an item and put it in her bag. When I confronted her, she called security on me and told them I wanted to steal her stuff. I got thrown out and she walked away with a smirk. FML

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Today, my Nana asked me to get her a book from her nightstand, but failed to specify which nightstand was hers. I stumbled across my grandparents' collection of sex toys instead. FML

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Today, my step-dad explained to me why he doesn't need to wash his body. He condescendingly said, "Well when you shampoo your hair, the soap runs down your body and cleans everything." He's 37 years old. FML

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Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was a bill from my parents. Apparently, the rent is due on the 1st. FML

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Today, I couldn't find my phone. Worried that I'd accidentally thrown it in the trash, I emptied out all the bins and searched the garbage. An hour later, my daughter said she'd found it by the bathroom sink. FML

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Today, I saw a moth trapped in a spider web. Feeling gracious, I gently freed it, and then took it to the window to let it out. When I opened the window to set him free, my $300 air conditioner fell two stories and smashed on the sidewalk. The moth flew away. FML

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Today, my mom reached the lowest point of her midlife crisis. She convinced herself she's psychic and grounded me for something she "knows" I'm going to do. FML

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Nightmare

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. In Walmart. Over the loudspeaker. FML

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Today, my friend bought a smartphone and updated his facebook status with it. Two weeks ago he signed an apartment lease with another friend. Four months ago he bought a new handgun. Seven months ago he bought a new TV. He's owed me $300 for a year and a half. FML

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Today, my husband ran a nice warm bubble bath with extra bubbles. I undressed and slid down into the tub only to have the most ungodly pain go up my backside. Turns out he knocked his razor into the water when he added the bubbles. I now have two butt cracks. FML

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Today, I had to call the doctor to go and have them remove a tick that had got stuck to my man-parts while fishing. The receptionist laughed, she thought I was prank calling. FML

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Today, I put signs up in the lifts at work with my name and desk phone number as the contact in case the lifts break down. I work in IT so there are hundreds of men in the building. Someone has already drawn a very wonky heart next to my name. FML

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Today, my dad was teaching me how to drive. He told me that stop signs with white outlines are "optional." I ran through the next one I saw and got pulled over by a cop. My dad is making me pay the ticket for being "that stupid." Thanks dad. FML

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Today, I saw the blueprints for my family's new house. My room is half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom's walk-in closet. FML

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Today, we got new doors fitted. There were new locks on the bathroom, to the reluctance of my mother, who thought one of us would lock ourselves in. "Only an idiot would lock themselves in," I said, and shut the door to demonstrate. I locked myself in. FML

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Today, I was on the toilet, when my Mom thought it would be a fun idea to barge in, take a picture of me, post it on Facebook, and tag me. FML

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Today, I found a thong at my boyfriend's house. When I confronted him about it, he panicked and claimed it was his mom's. Right. FML

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Today, our midterm exams were returned in my urban politics class. I had studied hard and scored 86%. The blonde girl next to me got a 92. Earlier in the semester she had asked me what state Detroit was in. FML

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  Today, I had to resort to telling my boyfriend that I have a praise kink, just so that he would actually compliment me. FML

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  Today, I had a huge argument with my wife because I declined a lunch invite with a married couple who live nearby. My wife has severe social anxiety, so…

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