Bad date

Today, I went on a lunch date with a guy I used to work with. When the conversation got dry, I asked him if he went by “Chris” or “Christopher” these days. His name is Daniel. My brain knew my mistake as I said it. Just when I thought the silence couldn’t get more awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks

550

You deserved it

322

3 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, as I left class, I felt a tug on my rucksack from behind. Thinking it was just someone deliberately dragging me back, I struggled to let myself free and shouted, "Let go!" I looked over my shoulder just to find that one the straps was trapped in the doorhandle. Everyone was in hysterics. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12149

You deserved it

28904

62 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, my German Shepherd decided to bark at, then attack, a painted rock. At least I know I'm protected from inanimate objects. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31814

You deserved it

3485

50 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

  Today, I walked into the living room, only to find my brother wanking off to an episode of My Little Pony. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68256

You deserved it

6684

265 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, a passenger in my taxi left without paying. They left their phone, so I posted a message about it from their social media, exposing them. Turns out they'd stolen the phone from someone else. I ended up getting arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3340

You deserved it

532

10 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

  Today, my wife of four years revealed to me that she once had sex with six men at once back in college. Apparently she still fantasizes about it when we have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37995

You deserved it

3789

77 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, at the movies, some asswipe kept throwing candy at me. After 20 minutes of it, I got up and went over to get him to stop. Good news: his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected. Bad news: I got kicked out for "starting a disturbance". FML

I agree, your life sucks

41206

You deserved it

3756

74 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

TFI Friday

Today, I started a new job. The hours are long, but I didn't mind as I could REALLY use the overtime. Turns out, they don't pay over time. I'm just expected to go "above and beyond for the company." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2202

You deserved it

191

18 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, after 38 years of never meeting my dad, and paying a private investigator thousands of pounds over several weeks of searching, I found him living 2 floors down in the same block of flats. He’s the grouchy downstairs neighbour I’ve hated for 6 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5907

You deserved it

438

16 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, I was trying to show my boyfriend how to shake my iPod to shuffle songs. When I went to shake it, it flew out of my hand and hit him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11879

You deserved it

28483

90 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, I woke to find my boyfriend of 2 years gone. I saw my little sister's talking bear at the bottom of my bed, it said "squeeze me" so I squeezed it and it said "it's over." It was my boyfriends voice. I was dumped by a talking bear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

87040

You deserved it

4887

167 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Plebs need not apply.

Today, when my new boyfriend told me he liked playing games, he meant a 60" TV with a professional gaming chair in the middle of his living room, and 48-hour gaming marathons where he totally ignores me, refuses to sleep or shower, and only has energy drinks and cheerios. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3757

You deserved it

819

34 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, the phone kept ringing so I picked it up and answered. When there was no response, it took a minute to realize that I was still in bed and talking to my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27393

You deserved it

4991

69 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Yes or No?

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, but the ring turned out to be quite tight on her finger. She then chewed me out, saying that I can't do anything right, then changed her answer to no. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2735

You deserved it

286

22 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, having just told me what a great job I've been doing and how he'd really like to start giving me some more responsibility, my boss asked me if I'd sharpen a couple of pencils for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32635

You deserved it

2731

15 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, my boyfriend came home from a camping trip and broke up with me. All because when he was watching the lake he was near, ripples formed. Apparently, this means God was telling him I'm impure and unable to be "saved by Christ" and therefore, a waste of his time. I dated this lunatic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39129

You deserved it

8505

133 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, I wore a pair of glasses with no lenses because I thought I'd look smarter. I ended up poking myself in the eye several times, leaving it swollen. So much for making me look smarter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5633

You deserved it

56437

166 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

  Today, I was masturbating in the dark with the door open. I thought I saw a figure outside my door, because I didn't have my glasses on. After intensely staring at the dark figure for about a minute, thinking it was my imagination, my stepdad said, "you know, I am looking RIGHT at you," FML

I agree, your life sucks

26930

You deserved it

89156

310 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, my mom called me an attention seeker and threw a bitch fit because my cat "decided" to die on her birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35654

You deserved it

2511

58 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, after I've been nauseous for a week straight, barely eating or sleeping, I was going to see my doctor. She then called in sick and I can't get an appointment for another week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1550

You deserved it

101

17 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

  Today, my 15-year-old daughter's pregnancy test came back positive. I wanted to know who the father is, so I could sit the two of them down to talk the situation through with them. She isn't sure if it's her best friend, or our neighbor's son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68818

You deserved it

12168

241 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, my husband and I stopped at a scenic overlook on top of a mountain. I looked down and noticed several small shells and excitedly called him over. I said, "I can't believe I found fossils here!" The moment it came out of my mouth, I realized they were pistachio shells. So did he. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8262

You deserved it

25232

88 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, I was so insecure, I got scared of what people might think of my fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22571

You deserved it

6013

134 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, while doing my disabled client's makeup I got my period. I'm hoping that she didn't notice a red stain on her white bedspread when I stood up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2276

Phew, glad it wasn't me

567

19 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, I had an important job interview. The interviewer really seemed to like me. Instead of hiring me, he asked me out on a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33674

You deserved it

3464

64 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, I stopped at the gas station to fill up my tank and get some snacks. I paid the cashier, then got back into my car, totally forgetting to pump the $50 worth of fuel I'd just prepaid for. Too bad I didn't realize until my car came to a sputtering stop about a mile down the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39670

You deserved it

22509

95 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, I realized I willingly support my boyfriend's alcoholism, because the only time he says "I love you" is when he's blind drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40376

You deserved it

17577

121 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

  Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and heavy. She had her shirt off, and commented on the small size of her breasts. Trying to make her feel better, I said I dated smaller breasts. She replied by saying she'd dated bigger penises. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19390

You deserved it

58822

313 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, my 18th birthday, I woke up vomiting with a temperature of 104 degrees. After I settled back in bed with some water, my mom said, "This is how you're supposed to feel on your 21st birthday, not your 18th." FML

I agree, your life sucks

7141

You deserved it

722

18 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, out of boredom, I built my cat a little fort. Later, I decided to crawl inside to pet her, but as soon as I stuck my head in, she clawed me. I guess I'm not allowed in, then. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43566

You deserved it

9421

101 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, my cat learned the hard way what the bathtub is for. While I was in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35837

You deserved it

3961

61 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

  Today, I gave a technical presentation to a group of male colleagues. I was surprised by how attentive they were until I went to the washroom and realized that they could see every detail of my nipples through my new shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25166

You deserved it

16161

224 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, whilst out shopping with my crush, I decided to jokingly try on a silly-looking dress in an overly-expensive shop. Apparently I took the wrong size as I couldn't get out. Not only did the shop assistants have to publicly cut me out of the dress, I had to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28624

You deserved it

46239

98 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

  Today, whilst having sex, my husband screamed out a man's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56563

You deserved it

5107

107 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, after leaving work at 10 pm, I took a shortcut to the highway. After getting lost, my GPS informed me that the service was unavailable and I should try back in an hour. This occurred moments before I ran out of gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25987

You deserved it

8576

74 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, my wife and I drove two hours from our rural town to buy a new sofa. When we got home, it took us an hour to figure out there was no way to fit it through our door. We made the two hour drive back to return it, only to find the store was closed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31939

You deserved it

9772

74 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, I'm planning my big sister's wedding. My long-term, live-in boyfriend walked by and saw me looking at the wedding tab on Pinterest, smirked, and said, "Don't get your hopes up." I had. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55030

You deserved it

8168

118 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, I was sitting in a parked car. A woman was having difficulties maneuvering out. She honked the horn repeatedly for me to move, then looked me in the eye and called me a "f**king bitch", before driving off. I was in the passenger seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33866

You deserved it

3182

126 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

No chance

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me over late at night. I got excited, assuming she finally wanted sex. No, she just wanted me to make her mac and cheese and talk to her because she was ‘restless’. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1434

You deserved it

837

23 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

Today, I got really sick at my boyfriend's house, and barely made it to the toilet in time to throw up. it got on my shirt so I asked if I could borrow one of his. He said I could wear one of his dad's shirts because he didn't want his to get too stretched out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37673

You deserved it

7148

106 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

  Today, at the doctor's, I had lots of papers to fill out so my boyfriend offered to help. We submitted them and the doctor called me a few minutes later. Under disorders my boyfriend had written, "Major cock craving disorder." The doctor couldn't stop giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65250

You deserved it

12294

111 Comments
Favorite
  Tweet
  Share

  Today, I'm in an open marriage and had to admit to myself that I caught feels for my "friend with benefits" who was only interested in the "benefits" part…

I agree, your life sucks

89

You deserved it

304

4 Comments

  Today, my mom blamed me for her family knowing about my dad cheating on her. She has forgiven him after multiple affairs with different ladies, yet she…

I agree, your life sucks

625

You deserved it

39

3 Comments